


Five Stages of Grief, by Dean Winchester

by heycassbutt



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Dean in Denial, Emotionally Hurt Dean, Five Stages of Grief, Hurt Castiel, I'm Sorry, M/M, breaking up, end of romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-21
Updated: 2016-01-21
Packaged: 2018-05-15 09:54:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5781409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heycassbutt/pseuds/heycassbutt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>During and after an unexpected break up, Dean has to go through all five stages of grieving while he also searches answers for questions Castiel left behind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Stages of Grief, by Dean Winchester

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, let's try again and this time with the proper version, too. :D

It was like any normal night in Dean’s life: he and Sam got back to their cheap motel room after a challenging but successful hunt, both of them dirty and tired and with burns on their hands, and the clock on the wall was ticking near four in the morning. Dean took the shower first and reserved it for a whole hour, after which, when Sam’s turn finally came, Dean had used up every single piece of warm water and he chuckled in amused manner when he heard Sam’s muffled shout of surprise as the ice-cold water hit his skin. He went to the fridge and took a beer out of it and went to his bed, crossing his legs and taking a comfortable position and enjoying the moment of peace, now that Sam’s annoyed growling could no longer be heard from the bathroom. 

He took a sip of drink and sighed with his eyes closed. For awhile nothing else could be heard but the sound of the shower water - but then the near-silence was broken by a smooth flutter of wings. It was so quiet Dean didn’t even notice it, and only when the comer spoke, did Dean open his eyes. 

”Dean”, said Castiel’s tired, out-of-breath voice and it drew Dean’s attention to the angel who stood in the middle of the room, looking over the hunter with an illegible expression on his face. Dean would have smiled and greeted this welcome sight with a brief laughter - he was on such a good mood -, if his eyes hadn’t caught something very unnerving in Castiel. His posture was strange, his skin and clothes splattered with something dark and blood-like and his eyes painful, as if he was in great agony. Dean’s smile died before it was even born, and he sat up on his bed. 

”Cas?” he asked, getting up to his feet and heading to the angel who faltered where he stood; luckily for him, Dean was close enough to leap in and stop him from falling over when his legs gave out. Castiel grunted and his expression twisted from pain when Dean had to grab his side to keep him from hitting the floor. 

”Holy crap, what the hell’s happened to you?” Dean asked frantically, worry heavy in his voice as he dragged the wounded angel to the bed. Castiel, however, refused to move or sit down once Dean got him back to his feet. Dean didn’t let go of his arm but stopped to look at his own angel with a deep frown. ”Cas?”

”Dean, I...” Castiel said and then paused, and Dean was unsure was it because of the dizziness caused by the loss of blood or because he didn’t know what to say. Castiel squeezed his eyes shut, groaned and then with difficult swept away the agonized grimace from his face, as if Dean hadn’t already seen it. Castiel’s breathing was scarily shallow and his shirt was warm and sticky when Dean held onto it, soaked with the angel’s blood. Was it all his?

”Seriously, dude, what the hell happened?” Dean asked again when Castiel didn’t continue, and got the angel to open his eyes again and look at the hunter. Castiel shook his head slowly. 

”I am sorry”, he said, the tone of his voice painted with grief and self-hatred, ”but I... I can’t stay.”

”What?”

Castiel swallowed loudly, as if the words he wanted to say were running away from him. ”We cannot continue”, he explained, or tried to. ”This, us... it--it has to stop.”

”What are you talking ’bout, man? You’re not making any sense!”

With yet another, pain-filled grunt, Castiel straightened his back and let go of Dean’s arm, finally standing up on his own again. Dean still held his hand up, ready to catch the other if he’d fall again, but Castiel looked determined to stay up now. 

”We can’t keep doing this, Dean, it’s too dangerous”, the angel said after catching his breath for a little while. Dean found himself baffled and so confused he even failed to feel angry once he realized where Cas was heading with this disoriented speech of his. He put his hand on the angel’s shoulder and examined the damage done to his boyfriend. He could only see the physical, all the cuts and bruises and scratches - the mental was imperceptible, hidden by Castiel’s efforts but still clearly there. 

”Cas, please, man... you can’t do this, not right now, we’re supposed to stick together!”

”I’m sorry, Dean”, Castiel repeated again, and for a moment there, Dean recognized a splinter of weakness in the hard mask Castiel was so badly trying to build, and took advantage of it. He leaned in, his forehead touching Castiel’s; he smelled and felt the angel’s breath on his skin, and searched for his lips with his own, soon finding them. The kiss tasted coppery, and it was over too soon when Castiel pulled himself together and pushed Dean away, his hand on his chest. Dean watched him, his head slowly shaking from one side to another. 

”Who did this to you?”

”It’s not important”, said Castiel, just like Dean had feared he might, ”but they will leave you alone if I go.”

”Cas--”

”No, Dean. We can’t continue, I cannot put you in such peril.”

”To hell with peril, I’m not afraid of them! Whoever it is threatening you, I’ll--”

”No”, Castiel said simply, cutting off Dean’s protest. ”You won’t. Not this time.”

Dean could hardly believe what he was hearing, it took time to process and sink into his brain. Castiel had to be joking, right? Dean stared into those deep blue eyes, searching for evidence of an awfully cruel joke, anything that might explain this, but he found only sadness and heartbreak. Dean clutched onto the front of Castiel’s trench coat, refusing to let go of him, refusing to let him leave. He couldn’t go, not now, not like this. Castiel watched him and his head tilted slightly to the left as he took Dean’s hand. 

”As you humans put it, I am breaking up with you”, he said, as if Dean hadn’t yet understood that, and gently made Dean let go of his coat. In a way, it was true. Dean didn’t understand, his mind was numb and his brain refused to function properly. 

”No, you’re not...”

”I am sorry”, Castiel said again, but the words had now lost all meaning to Dean. Dean could only stare at the angel in complete rejection, not allowing himself to look the harsh truth face to face. He saw chances of redeeming this relationship, chances of hope, in Castiel’s sorrowful face, in the way he softly touched his cheek and how he leaned in to kiss his lips for the last time. No, not for the last time, no matter how bitter the taste of it was. It couldn’t be the last time. 

”Damnit, Cas”, Dean said quietly, his voice more broken than he thought it could even get. Something hot was burning behind his eyes and there was a knot in his throat, a knot that was growing tighter and tighter, forcing him to swallow. Castiel gave him a smile, only a small and sad one, before he stepped back and broke all physical contact there still was left. Dean saw his eyes glimmering in the weak light of the lamp on the ceiling. 

”Don’t you dare say these are your goodbyes”, he said. ”Don’t you dare.”

Castiel, however, only confirmed his greatest fear, his gaze dropping down from Dean’s. ”They are”, he said in a tiny voice, holding back something, emotions, perhaps? Dean couldn’t know. ”I apologize, Dean, and...” Castiel paused briefly and inhaled, collecting strength to say what he needed to say. ”And I promise you will not see me again.”

”You are not doing this, please... Cas, I freakin’ love you, ’kay? You get that?”

Another crevice in that calm mask of his. ”I do.”

”Doesn’t it mean anything? Hell, I’m begging you to stay!”

”I know, but I can’t do that. The longer I stay the more difficult this will be, so I’ll cut this short.” Castiel lifted his gaze again and looked at Dean in a way that no words could ever describe. ”I love you, Dean, and that’s why I have to go... I have to keep you safe, I can’t be selfish. Good bye.”

Dean didn’t even get the chance to answer when Castiel was already gone. The coppery smell of his blood lingered in the air and Dean stood still, kept staring at the empty space in front of him. He was speechless, incapable of moving, otherwise than his hand still holding up in front of him, trying to catch the sleeve of Castiel’s trench coat, now only grasping air. Dean was confused, numb... in denial. 

When Sam came out of the bathroom, he found his brother still standing in the middle of the room, blood smudged on his hands and clothes, and an empty, blank expression on his face. 

”Dean?” he asked and looked at his brother’s back with his brow furrowed. ”You ’kay, man?”

Sam got no answer.


End file.
